"How do I do this Lord?"

The tragedy of some people's stories has left my heart raw at times. Sometimes I am so broken that I don't know what to do. There is one particular situation (out of so many) that has been on my heart constantly. The following is me trying to process this, and I wanted to share it with you all:

A few of us were visiting some "child headed homes." Because of the devastation of HIV/AIDS there are now many homesteads in Swaziland where both parents have passed away, leaving only the children to care of themselves.

We visited one home in the community of Timbutini; in fact the home is only maybe a hundred yards away from Pastor Walter's church. Even though I have been in the community for over 2 years I have never seen this home which is adjacent to the churches property. The homestead is obscured by the "bush," being various trees and other vegetation. The irony struck me pretty harshly. A homestead that is so close to the church walls, and yet many of us didn't even know of the desparate need that was so close. We were totally unprepared for what we were about to uncover.

There are five children that live at this homestead. The oldest, a thirteen year old girl, is the care-taker of her 4 siblings. All 5 children live in a one room building. When we arrived in the neighborhood we parked our vehicle at the church, and the 5 children were there. Straight from school they come to the church first, to eat at the Care Point. I was so relieved to see all 5 of them in school uniforms. At least their school fees have been paid for this year. The government of Swaziland is supposed to pay for all OVC's (Orphaned and vulnerable children) school fees. Each year though there is somehow not enough money to go around and many orphans are chased from their schools. Not enough money for orphans, but plenty to provide expensive cars for government officials, and plenty enough to fill the bellies of the honorable Members of Parliament.

We greeted the children and then went with them to visit their homestead. I had actually thought that they had lost both mother and father, but we found out that their father is still living. Through the course of our visit, we then found out that the father is sexually abusing the 13 year old daughter, and has been for a while. To make matters even worse, we know that the man is dying of AIDS. He is dying, and his abuse is sentencing his own daughter to death as well. Then, in the midst of our visit, the man arrives back at his house. What do we do?

How do you act towards a man who is sexually abusing his own daughter? How do you treat this man who is killing his own child, and furthermore a man who doesn't mind that he is doing it? Honestly, in my heart I want to kill this man, to punish him for what he has done. I at least want to beat him severely. I think "He must be punished!"

And yet I know the depravity of my own soul; I know what evil has lived in my own heart. Except for the Grace of God I could have been that man. I could have been even worse. And so my heart breaks and cries for even this man who is so far gone. Can the blood of Jesus even come to him? Am I even willing to pray for his forgiveness and salvation? Honestly, I don't know. I am so raw, such a mix of emotions, that when I see him that I have to step away for a few minutes. I am afraid that I will kill him. I walk about 20 yards away and start to pray. I feel the inner turmoil within myself, anger and grief, and the only words that can come, born of frustration are:

"How do I do this Lord?" I am so broken. My heart is grieved for the children and I am so angry at the father. "What do you want me to do?"

more coming soon...